When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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