she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I want to fling myself into the sun
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
