Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
