I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
