you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
