oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
