if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
