I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
