I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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