I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
