im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
