he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
