I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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