Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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