Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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