Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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