6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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