Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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