some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
