Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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