mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
smell my finger.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
