Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just gargled with NyQuil
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
