I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
