you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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