I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
