I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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