apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
