so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
