We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
