I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
