Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
