oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
