i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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