It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
