dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
