Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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