Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
