Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
