dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
