Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
