now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
