Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
