Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
FUCK WHALES
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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