My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
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