The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
