seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
ttyl tear gas
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Randomize
