Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
