I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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