wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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