If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
